The best blessing you can give yourself after divorce is to work through the reasons why the marriage did not work out. The initial response many times is to regain what was lost and find another relationship. What happens however is the attraction of the same type of person, complete with the barriers to love which were evident in former relationships.
Anne writes to Nancy for relationship advice:
I am recently divorced from a marriage of 15 years. We had one son together & he had a daughter from a previous so together we raised 2 children. The older the girl got, the more her attitude changed and needless to say the teenage years were rather difficult at times. I vowed to never get serious again with someone who had kids. While I loved my daughter dearly, I felt used & really mistreated by some of the things we went through. Particularly by her own mother who eventually married and was more than capable of raising the child herself. My son lives with the father also. Both kids are teenagers and my son comes to visit me often. My goal is for him to live with me one day, even if after high school.
Now I am madly in love with a great guy. He’s everything (thus far) I want in a man, and maybe one day a husband. The only issue, which isn’t really a negativity, is he has two kids from a previous relationship. They were never married but remain friends. I have met one of the children. So far, so good. I am just really nervous about the whole thing. Are the kids & I gonna get along? Will I have to always be put second therefore being unhappy, meaning no balance between us two? I don’t want to take him from his kids. What role am I to play with them ( I am a nurturer so I am accustomed to taking care of people/things)? Financially, will I have to wait many years before my boyfriend, hopefully husband, and I can have the freedom to do what we want? I am not asking because I am jealous, insecure or have a desire to be manipulative & controlling. I just want to live my best life and if ever married, never have to divorce again.
Many times what one vows never to do again does repeat itself because the core issues that led to that mindset have not been worked through completely. You will need to get at the source of why you felt used and mistreated while raising your children because both appeared to have pushed some big emotional buttons.
In this new relationship the key will be open and honest communication with your new guy. The battle will be in your mind; breaking the idea that things will eventually go downhill and result in the same experience as before. Because you are recently divorced, it is very easy to fall into the same type of relationship without even knowing, because that connection will feel comfortable and familiar. It is those relationships which you have the highest chemistry generally have a high probability of leading to a repetition of the same relationship pattern.
When you take the time to work through the barriers to love from your previous relationship, you will be better equipped not to follow the same path in love.
If you have a relationship question, please contact me and I will answer in an upcoming blog.